kingdom of heaven

With much Satruday night expectation, I caught the lastest Ridley Scott with Al, Dra and Pin last night.

It wasn't a breakthrough, not when it's driven by an ok script with 1 super lame plot hole the size of Pavarotti's panties.

Al was the first and quickest to note its greatest and bullshitest conceit:

Bloom's hero, the perfect high-and-mighty holier-than-thou ordinary Balian refuses to 'commit a small evil for a greater good': namely marry the Queen and kill an ambitious, blood-thirsty power-mad racist frog (Anglo-speak for French), which led to pointless bloodshed and the tragic deaths of thousands of innocent men, soldiers, women and children.

AND YET, utterly unbelievably, the script makes him out to go on to lead armies, square off with the Muslims, protect That Crumb of a City Jerusalem, emerge the ULTIMATE HERO and capture the (soon to be ex-) Queen's heart. All without a tinge of blame or remorse at his own utter STUPIDITY.

Duh.

Al and I also had fun digging at Bloom's 'I am a blacksmith' line at the end:

How the devil walked unnoticed among ordinary men, how the devil pulled the greatest trick ever by convincing the world he didn't exist, how 'blacksmith' compares with Christ's whitewood carpenter, how not to draw the connection between Bloom, Balian and Beelzebub (get the drift?), how Balian got away from everything with evil ex-Queen in tow...

We had a riot...

Nonetheless it was competent and watchable stuff, with Scott's typical cold, dirty bottom-of-fish-tank blue stop-motion cinematography 'perfected in Gladiator', as Al announced. (Scott's Kingdom feels more secure and assured than Wolfgang Petersen's dismal Troy.)

But Gladiator it was not and somehow Dra and I envisioned Russell Crowe in the Balian role instead of Orlando ill-in-his-medieval-Bloomers. Most times he seemed lost in his surroundings.

For all the eye candy he hogs in posters, trailers and write-ups galore, Bloom's screen time and presence hardly justifies all the scream. Though suitably buffed up in muscles, they were given short exposure, and he looks positively drab in black locks.

Eva Green's Queen Sibylla - not bad but not regal enough. Jeremy Irons - an amazing talent I love to watch, he did ok here, but not a bang-out job. Liam Neeson - impressive, died too early but made best of it. Edward Norton - HUH? Where got? Didn't see him leh? Waaait a minit...! You mean that leper King Baldwin, face totally encased in metallic mask is babyface Eddy boy??!! Nuff said.

Surprisingly I was rooting for the few Muslim characters, especially Saladin.

Ghassan Massoud lent such captivating and unforgettable presence to the vengeful yet honourable Saracen leader. There's something about his eyes, face and voice that manage to evoke so much fear, awe, wariness and respect, so effortlessly.

And the way Ghassan Massoud skillfully portrayed Saladin, you believed in his stature. It's no wonder that Saladin inspired the best one liner from the whole movie:

Convert to Islam now. Repent later.