one of those inexplicable moments where you don't know if it's utmost stupidity or for the best...

To be read with generous and creative injections of long SUPREMELY awkward and pregnant pauses in between and an utter woebegone that-just-slipped-through-your-fingers sigh at the end...

*phone rings while sliced fish and bee hoon get masticated in mouth*

*suprised but professional even tone*

"Mr Blah, are you on the way?? Where are you? We'd like to conduct the ********* now as the bosses are very busy."

*hedging and sheepish*

"Oh... er... I'm er like having... lunch now..."

"HUH? What? Lunch ah... now? But but... So... You can make it quick so that we can see you...? What time can you come up?"

*veeeery sheepish now*

"Erb... er... I'm not... sure actually... er.... you can..."

"Erm are you er... like lunching with your friends?"

"Er... Gulp... Nnnnn... not really... Er..."

"So would you like to er... Are you still at B********? How soon can you make it?"

*a total shitless sheep mustering last clumsy and guilty courage*

"Er... (choke) You... The... Thing... Is... I don't think I'll be going up or seeing you later..."

"Oh... Er... Okay... So Mr Blah, you are saying you are giving up on this opportunity?"

"Er... ye-es...?"

"Well okay Mr Blah. Thanks and... (totally lost from memory) Bye."

"Er yeah... B-"

*cut off*

*cue aimless and pregnant silence, lots of pregnant air and a maelstrom of lost thoughts and miserable feelings*

And of course - that sigh...

+++++

What on earth made me do that and WHY did I...

Someone tell me...

six degrees of sickening non-separation

Ever dreamt or imagined or wished that if you can help it as you're walking down the sidewalk you'd meet or bump into people you are chummy with or would enjoy meeting 'casually' and 'accidentally' without any notion (then again, how accidental can it be when you wish for it?) - cool friends, nice colleagues, Meryl Streep, etc - than into that utter moron whom you've vocally and verbally declared you won't come within 1,000 breaths' length of his repulsive body even if it were lifeless and horizontal on the ground and taped with thousand dollar bills?

I have. All the time. And as things would go, it hardly EVER happens the way you want.

Yesterday was one such freaky day and night.

It seems that through some strange alignment of the galactic planets or clashing of the celestial stars, I was destined to meet people whom I have crossed paths with, for better or for worse.

In my case - usually worse.

(Sigh.)

Ok, it's not always like pulling teeth - I do bump into nice people. That happens as often as sighting Halley's Comet.

The thing is - it ALWAYS happens to me when I 'vant to be lerft alone', as Garbo famously cooed.

Freaky day started with me riding in train going to work squashed left and right by armpits crying out for a lawn mower and decontamination spray. Spotted Foe from camp reading a tabloid with his back facing me. Good, so long as it's not his god-abandoned face and mother-scaring scowl. I'd recognise him even if he shaved himself bald.

Met up with Ming and hopped down to the office and after doodling with the Intranet web, mended, close shop and off to Tekka Market for drinks and snacks and then off to Sentosa for my weekly destressing therapeutic session with my weekend papers and tea and hopefully NOBODY foely to acknowledge or recognise.

Was leaving Coffee Bean after a nice long session poring over the papers and planning where else to go so decided to sit and wait for a tram next to a bunch of beachcombers standing around looking directionless.

Plonked my ass down, looked over at the sea, okay not bad view, if not for the lack of breeze and that sickening signpost blocking my perspective and that lady right in front of me with the funny flower in her head fagging away like a bored damsel and -

'XXXXX!! OH MY GOSH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

Friend. A pleasant bump.

Blah blah blah and I left feeling nice. Dropped by for some beach jazz and sneaked off. Had dinner. Fleeting glances around. No bumps. Good. Usually my antes go up when I meet 2 people I know in a row - something wicked this way comes. I just know it.

So I thought - okay, how about Borders. Fine, off to Borders. Dah dah dah and the news on the bus showed a company opening event that took place in the morn. Dah dah dah alighted and trooped off to my mental therapy outlet.

Should be okay lah, hah? I haven't been here for ages, should be able to have some peace and quiet time alone lah hah.

(At this juncture, as if by sleight of some twisted scriptwriter's hand in the likes of Adaptation, my attempts at staying persona non grata and incognito gradually went up in proverbial smoke.)

Indulgently walking down the aisles looking out for budget prices when SLAP! Fucking asshole dropped a tonner on my shoulder. Turned and all ready -

Foe, from camp. Wah piang oi.

(I ALWAYS meet those I NEVER want to.)

And it's quickly downhill from here.

As if some extraterrestrial spy signal was beeping my whereabouts to these irritating mutants, it was one undesirable after another IN THE SAME FUCKING PLACE, FROM ONE AISLE TO ANOTHER!

Purchased a CD, paid, went off, detoured - okay, just one last look at the corner here - and BAM! A pair somemore! And this last one was more undesirable than the rest - all plastic and fake and rictus smirk from both parties.

MAN! This is unfuckingbelievable. What the fuck is going on?? Good fucking lord.

4D also never strike so joon.

And the beauty of it was - they all know me, they don't know one another, and I don't care a shit about them!!!

(Grrrrrr...)

Mental therapy quickly descended into mental terror-py.

Help.

Just totally gave up and headed home to recover from unsuccessful attempt at recovery.

That was sooo not my night.

Talk about getting borderline mental...

falling in pieces

And into the right places.

Not into pieces.

Things have been a meganomous culmination of pissing stress, frustration, rushing and irritation for the past two or more weeks.

If ever Mount St Helenas blowed up again - and she is EXTINCT for crying out loud - that would have described moi and the sulphurous plumes cranking from my cubicle from afar.

And they saw how fast my tempers flared. And even got the brunt of it. For the first time.

Needless to say, the earpiece and phone cradle bruised and suffered loudly too.

Just plain steaming bottled madness and days on ends of nothing but chicken rice and 1 egg and biscuits.

At least there was brief reprieve - Kings of Convenience is FANTASTIC and soooo rewarding. And a nice lazy stay-over at Gene and Wee's with their lovely cats.

But before long - BANG!

Short lived bliss.

More problems. More hindrances.

And copious dollops of it.

And weeks of leaving only later than 8.30pm and seeing the swanky clubhouse jammed with bunches of idiots karokeing and sepatakrawing and basketballing their smelly bodies for hours upon leisurely hours and you feeling fucking sore over the sight and your state.

And sleep and the end doesn't seem anywhere in sight.

These are sooooooo fucking not my months, man...

I sooooo want out of this totally.

...

For now, at least one thing is over and done with today.

Sweated bullets working my ass off over this and people still say:

"Why you losing sleep over this hah?!"

(It was meant in jest of course but still...)

Like - HELLO??!!

You are presenting to your Big Boss HOR??!! And Deputy Big Boss HOR??!! And all the Other 50 Smaller But Equally Big Bosses and Bossettes from departments all over whom you have to grovel and get help in the near future HOR??!! And presenting for the first time! Especially when you hear how judgments are made swift and fast here and your immediate(ly) insufferable sup making airheaded silly sickening superfluous and sadistic last minute changes HALF A FUCKING HOUR BEFORE YOUR FUCKING PRESENTATION and you - are - telling - me - why I'm growing rice bags under my eyes and why my temples are pulsating???

*plastic grin, turn, walk, disdain-filled and annoyed downturning smirk, eyes rolling big time, mega-duh expression behind partition*

...

Thank goodness for things that fall in place in pieces.

Like a good Group Director. One of the few better ones among all the divisions and groups I hear too, so I'm blessed. Despite inhumanly busy schedule, prompt vetting approval, succinct remarks and cogent advice.

Like taking my own advice and prepreparing 3 weeks beforehand when someone choked with disbelief at hearing it. Can't imagine - without preprep and the last minute intrusions and distractions that popped up for a WHOLE BLOODY FUCKING WEEK leaving you totally disabled from doing any proper work, I'd be sitting in the middle of Bedok Reservoir sucking algae off pebbles with Mourning Myrtle by now.

Like surprisingly helpful colleagues from other departments who usually avoid you like the plague or treat you like you're Mourning Myrtle. Maybe their good moods helped when I called so they humoured me when I came scampering like a panting sycophantic old kid once too often.

Like a dash of luck here and there with things I can't recall anymore.

Like keeping strictly to your own prep discipline, regardless of what the rest say. (Maybe a piece or two good advice out of the blue - like don't over-rehearse. Yeah, that made sense. Helped too.)

Like keeping a mantra: I wanna have some fun with this. And I've got something you don't know yet and I'll never acknowledge it but nonetheless just watch me.

And like those nice and comforting non-spicy curry puffs, pastries and that hot and totally SHIOK milk tea I made myself afterwards - which my predecessors never enjoyed, just deliciously divine salve.

And finally like when total strangers you've never met before in your life coming up to you post-event - while you're busy stuffing your face silly with tea and cheese cake and fingers all greasy - to say you spoke well and others even emailed to tell you so later.

Yup, a few nice little places fell in place.

Bit by little bit.

this fella's gotta try WAY harder to convince me if he continues to write the way he did here man...

He call this WRITING ah???

Alamak, with writing skew like lat, plomote WHAT???

If I were him boss hor, I dow I give plomoshern man.

Maybe after 2o year lah.

After he retake his ingrish PSLE.

*rolls eyes*

siglap a

That's the name of my hut. They give names to each cluster of huts. Rather cheesy - the other clusters are also named in Malay after streets and roads in the mainland.

And it was for a steal so I kind of enjoyed myself with the 3 days and 2 nights of casual worklessness and just strolling and reading and soaking up the nice breeze and sun.

So casual I even managed trips back and forth to shop and sightsee and makan.

Only bummers being the awful industrial engine aircon cranking on and off and driving me nuts. And the bloody kids from some school cheering some ghostbusting chants at some event.

But anyway. Stayed overnight at the beach sleeping under the sky watching stars - heard so much from friends about the night skies in Oz and Kiwiland filled to the BRIM with those little enchantments - so I thought I'd try it and it was cool. Empty peopleless stretch of sand and water, other than yours truly of course. Cool and rather clear sky too. Saw quite a handful of those sparklies (hope they're not satellites though).

Only bummers being losing like maybe half a litre of blood feeding those irritating mozzies.

Oh and that TOTALLY whacked out old geezer - at least I think so cos he walked with a stoop - who appeared out of nowhere at midnight and started SHOUTING at the top of his voice at intervals to the sea and scaring the shit out of sleeping me.

Old geezer then proceeded to walk patches of the beach and stop - YELL. And then walk, stop and HOLLER. Like calling for sea spirits or having some unfinished argument with ships (at that point I don't know if he's even sane) or something.

And he started towards MY direction.

For a TEENY moment I felt I was an unwitting little blip in a gory beach movie about to be decapitated or stabbed.

Nope, he's not carrying a machete or switchblade cos old geezer then suddenly jumped into the FREEZING WATER and SWAM.

INTO THE FUCKING ICY COLD WATER.

AT THE WITCHING HOUR AFTER MIDNIGHT.

Some. Humans. Are simply. NUTS.

Or plain masochistic.

Anyway, that was the only high (if I may say so) in a moderate tide of restfulness.

What I loved best about the stay?

Would be that moment in the morning at 8am after I have showered and brushed and cleaned up and I'm strolling down the steps and heading for breakfast and at the foot of the steps the beachfront spreads out in front of you and it's bright and clear and breezy and there's NOT a single person (except moi of course), creep or critter in sight.

Everything quiet and calm.

And I'd just stand or sit on a bench for a while and just soak it in and chill...

when quotes golightly

Never invest yourself in anything so deeply that its failure could cost you your happiness.

A painter should begin every canvas with a wash of blank, because all things in nature are dark except where exposed by light. The only things people can ever know about you are the ones you let them see. - The Rule of 4

* * * * *

I'm so in love with and proud of my previous quote pluckings I'm stashing them away here like precious soiled gold pennies.

(How bo liao.)

Well, I got inspired after finally reading The Short Story.

Yup, after much tacit mentions from Tuan Wee, felled it in one joyous swoop.

Must say that I prefer the short story WAAAYYY more than the film - though Audrey Hepburn is the quintessential waif (even if her hair colour is a bit salah) and NObody can replace her. And the ending is so much better. And the writing is great - real dialogue that's convincing and witty.

No wonder Capote was pissed with the lousy film adaptation and lesser portrayal of his luminous character from free spirit to lovelorn escapist.

Still, I got such a thrill when I came across quotes 'that matter' (so Reese Witherspoony-cliched I know) and so I searched gleefully for a place to park them.

And here they are. Prim and posted.

Right after Philip Seymour Hoffman (whom I knew long ago would make it great one day when I first saw his act) got his dues at the Oscars too.

How apt.

I'm a glad lit rag.

three days of limbo

Damn. Still gotta do follow up on my leave - and all cos of my big mouth and that b****.

Just so dreading the day when I gotta return to that muck pit. I'm really counting the days and the months now.

But what gives anyway? I get to eat a little better nowadays though some days I don't even see the time for a drop of water. Home dinners are a rare affair. Bookstores are a blur and when I really want a copy of that Hollywood issue Vanity Fair, they're sold out 2 bloody weeks ago.

FUCK.

So.

Here's to sipping warm peach tea with a blood dripping murder tome and a clear blue sky by the beach for 3 days.

With the phone ringing and beeping with screams from the office, of course...

running backwards

Went back lass Saderday fur the dreeeaded IPPT which I've innercently furgotten or missed after gettin ultimayderm a la cort marshirl...

[read with a rich lazy Texas-Tennessee tongue]

Anyways.

Bumped into some old fogeys from me camp days so it wasn't such a boring bummer for me. At least I didn't have to make eye contact with blades of grass while trying to ignore every other smelly armpit stranger.

Thank goddess for Gue and Ping and some other tired familiar faces and of course Gue's shiny new car, my saviours. Can't wait to leave cos all I could think about was work and not enough sleep.

As usually the camp logistics was a total disaster and we started an hour and half late. Spent most times chatting and catching up - the usual dillydallying. Noticed everything has a hang dog doggone dog's life mien on their faces. Listless. Bored. Miffed. Life is sooo beautiful.

Then bumped into one of them youthful decent training branch sarges - the one smiley chatty and without pretense one.

Has it been that long, you mean you're gonna ORD already? Wah so fast ah. May 19th? 3 months of rest and straight to uni hor - good for you. Do we meet up often? You mean us guys? Not really anymore. Camp is about the only magnet that pulled us disparate souls together. Yeah we miss coming back actually and you will too - you agree eh! - but life moves on whether you want and like to or not. Yeah we'll remember what we had, such nonsense and laughter the bunch of us had together 10 years in the running. Gotta run, I mean go now. Cheers.

Hitched out of there after the sit-ups, dumped our tags, kissed our byes, strolled and chatted our long way out to the car and I looked over at the runway and the stretch of trees and the horizon and I realise I don't feel much about this place anymore.

Except for the ghosts of us left hovering in the air in those places that we've passed by looked at stood sat smoked ate peed listened grumbled spat talked breathed with a fulsome and tired but easy feeling that you felt you were in the moment that I can't describe with justice anymore.

film redux

it's out.

it won and it lost.

i'm happy and sad.

tomorrow, reminiscent night...